jump to navigation

Why Rex Grossman’s Eyebrows Are The New Black January 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Rex Grossman, super bowl.
add a comment

Rex Grossman may be despised by about 50% of Bears fans, but his eyebrows are the new black.

Why? Well, quite frankly, he’s pretty. Actually, he’s very, very pretty. Chicago men won’t tell you this, of course. Chicago men, real men, those from the city of broad shoulders, will, for one thing, never acknowledge that a pretty boy is their quarterback.

We’re talking about men, here, who have grown up in tough neighborhoods. And all Chicago men, even those who live in the gay neighborhoods (maybe, especially them), have lived in tough neighborhoods. Think about it. If you’ve grown up in a tough neighborhood, have you ever, ever seen eyebrows like Rex Grossman’s survive a softball or basketball game in Chicago’s streets, much less a whole season of football? Of course you haven’t.

Rex Grossman's Eyes

When Rex’s big beautiful brown eyebrows manage to protrude their way out of a facemask that has been buried deep into the grass because a lame offensive line has failed him (which has happened a lot more often than Rex will say cuz he loves his linemen), all of us Chicagoans can do is say to ourselves, “Wow, look at how that dude’s eyebrows have stayed intact.” We don’t talk about how those 300 pound behemoths that are paid to protect him have, well, not done so. Nope, we Chicagoans praise the 300 pound behemoths for opening lanes for Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson, and wonder why Mr. Eyebrows can’t be a better quarterback under absolutely withering pressure.

That Rex ‘s eyebrows haven’t been torn out of his head by now, is, actually, suspicious to most of us Bears fans who grew up watching Bobby Douglas and Jim McMahon. Real men are willing to not only have their eyebrows torn off their faces, but would never have them in the first place.

Even worse is when we see Grossman’s eyebrows laying there in the field, long after Grossman himself has gotten up, dusted himself off, and gone back to the huddle. The eyebrows, buried deep into the turf, ignored by even their owner as he struts into the huddle, seem to wink at us, suggesting to us that prettiness may be just become the new NFL. Or, worse, the new black.

It’s a terrible, terrible thing for most Chicago men to consider. Most Chicago men, as you know by now, if you’ve been paying attention, are man’s men. They aren’t comfortable with pretty eyebrows laying around on the turf, saying things.

Especially when they’re big, beautiful brown eyebrows from South Beach.

BTW, a history of Bears QB’s, for those uncomfortable with GQ:

http://www.bearshistory.com/lore/chicagobearsquarterbacks.aspx

Postscript: I’m from Chicago, and have been a Grossman backer from the earliest days of the criticism. My point has been, and is still, just wait. Just wait till he learns to tuck the ball in under pressure and run the other way. Actually, that’s about it. That’s about all, really, he needs to do.

Go Bears.

Postscript, postscript: Rex really, really sucked. Luckily, Brian Greise, whose eyebrows are not very notable, is signed to a five year contract, while we Bears fans, apparently, are still waiting for a QB.

Advertisements

On the Bears, the Cubs, Alfonso Soriano, and now some unknown British Dude January 27, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

The current economy of baseball, or, for that matter, any sport, is simply not sustainable if you don’t give the players responsibility for the product. I don’t know the details of the insane Beckham contract, but I didn’t see anything in it that implied ownership of the team.

Beckham can say what he wants, but unless he introduces things like TV time outs and a goal net that is about twice as wide as it is now (so that athletic American kids can become star goalies), soccer will never be an American sport.

The Chicago Cubs pissed a lot of people off by signing an overrated baseball player, but that only proves my point (I think).

What’s wrong with the Soriano signing is that he, like other big signees, has no responsibility, really, truly, for the end product.

I remember also being shocked at how the Bears (of all people) signed Brian Urlacher to what I considered an insane contract, and, hey, the guy’s a freak and an amazing player, but with that kind of money he could be a part owner of many football teams.

Why is Michael Jordan not, at least, a minority owner of the Bulls? If Jerry Reinsdorf had given Jordan the respect he deserved, he would be. Instead, the United Center is named after a dying airline, and Air Jordan’s shoes have been filled by Kobe Bryant, a good player with about one tenth the character of Jordan. Go figure.

We Americans are scared of Karl Marx because we think anybody who talks favorably about him is going to send us all to a sort of weird, Soviet pergatory.

But the sports and entertainment industries are, whether we in America like it or not, the precursor to a new economy. Hey. I am not kidding. I work for a huge web firm and guess what people do when they leave? They start a new company, because they are unhappy with their ownership position. People aren’t happy being rock stars. They want more.

As I interpret Marx, I think he suggested two things about this. He said, first, you cannot own the means of production if you are not necessary for that production.

The other thing he said is that the “proletariat”, that means you and I and, even, dare I say, Soriano, SHOULD control the means to production. But Marx didn’t understand that no owner of anything will simply hand the keys to the farm house to the workers.

Except, of course, unless you’re talking about the sports and entertainment worlds.

That means, in a baseball sense, that Soriano, instead of pissing us all off cuz he makes so much more money than the rest us, is, still, just playing for the buck. Not even he knows what is coming. He can’t. He’s just a jock. But at the end of the day, the means of production will be worn on his socks, because there is no other way to sustain such an economy.

Gore Focuses on Peace, Prosperity in State of the Union Address, Rumsfeld in Tears January 24, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Donald Rumsfeld, Foreign Policy, Gore, News and politics, State of the Union.
2 comments

As some pundits have begun to seriously bandy about notions of a possible “Golden Age” in America and beyond, President Gore during tonight’s State of the Union urged Americans to “stay the course, because our current prosperity is not only sustainable, but can actually be improved upon — must be improved upon.”

Reports had indicated that Gore would press hard for Americans to make sure a Democrat was elected President in 2008, but he refrained from such a blunt message and merely emphasized that “now is no time for course corrections.”

Also expected was a new environmental package, but Gore said the new environmental bill would not be introduced until late February. Instead, the President pointed out that America has reduced its gasoline consumption nearly 20% in just six years’ time. “It was not that long ago where I went before the American people and told them that we would all need to sacrifice, and the American people, true to spirit, came through. This is an achievement that we can all be proud of, but there is more work to be done.”

The Republican response was delivered by Senator Donald Rumsfeld, who shocked pundits and talking heads by weeping openly before the cameras as he delivered a rambling speech. “Mr. Gore’s pacifism has taken on new energy,” said Rumsfeld, brushing back tears. “It’s a pacifism that only true pacifists can embrace, if they can embrace at all. And it’s this embracing that punishes the country the most, because it emboldens those who will not embrace this country’s principles of freedom and peace.”

Rumsfeld scoffed at the notion of an approaching golden age for the nation, saying instead, “America lost a golden opportunity to shape the Middle East in a way that all supporters of democratic ideals can appreciate. We’ve lost the hearts and minds of the Middle East, which has been left, sadly, to its own devices, its own bizarre forms of democracy, where the electorate pins its hopes on some indigenous concept of self-governance that is an affront to all that we should stand for.”

Rumsfeld went on to admonish Democrats and progressive Republicans for “misleading the American people by telling them that the so-called economic boom taking place in the Middle East is a positive thing for Americans when it is not. There are good, fine American companies who can be laying down the concrete and building the infrastructure and the other seeds of this growth, but instead the money all falls into the hands of the very people we are trying to help.”

Inconsolable, Rumsfeld was then led away from the cameras.

Gore to Focus on Peace, Prosperity in State of the Union Address January 23, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

President Gore’s State of the Union address tonight is said to be much in line with the message of the last several years, White House insiders are reporting. The message Gore intends to give will focus not only on the unprecedented economic growth that has occurred during the Gore Years, but on the importance of maintaining the course of the country after the Gore presidency.

The speech is said to be somewhat unprecedented in that it will encourage voters, without referencing any Democratic candidates, to stay the course by assuring that a Democrat remains in office. He intends to remind voters that peace and prosperity are “but one vote away,” according to some sources.

Word is that Vice President Clinton will be making a formal announcement regarding her candidacy for President any day, meaning she will be joining Barack Obama in energizing the Democratic voter base with the dual possibilities of a female or African American president.

Clinton, who replaced Vice President Joe Lieberman after he was diagnosed with dual personality disorder, has surprised even her critics with her ability to adeptly traverse the halls of Washington D.C. The health care fiasco of her husband’s presidency has long been forgotten, replaced by powerful education initiatives, introduced by congressional allies, that are already bearing fruit.

Obama, meanwhile, is a media darling who many Democrats consider a combination of JFK and Clinton with his combination of intellect, oratorial skills, and charisma.

Both candidates offer considerable hope to many Democrats that a new Democratic dynasty is in the making, if only the American public can avoid its usual desire for change for change’s sake.

Gore’s State of the Union address will attempt to tackle that American tendency with subtle reminders of the Republican right wing’s call to arms shortly after 9-11, when a vociferous group of Republican politicians and talking heads such as Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger, and others who have served under Republican administrations, called for the invasion of Iraq to counter a perceived threat from the now deposed Saddam Hussein.

The pressure the right wing put on Gore was relentless, but the Gore administration focused instead on a series of infrastructure and poverty measures that reached across geographic boundaries in the Middle East, resulting in the fall of Saddam Hussein, Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, and Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak, as well as the subsequent birth of such Middle Eastern “tiger” economies as Lebanon, Jordan, Syria, and, more recently, Iraq. The programs were costly, but yielded unprecendented peace dividends that have carried over into the economic sector as well.

Gore, of course, will also be focusing on his pet subject, the environment, and will apparently be introducing another major environment package during the speech.

China Shoots Down Mars — U.S. Outraged January 20, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
1 comment so far

China today upped the ante in the Star Wars race by firing a missile at the planet Mars and destroying it, according to reports from the Xinhua news agency. So far, no Western news agency has confirmed the elimination of a planet both loved and scorned by earthlings during the last hundred years.

Mars has long been a favorite of both writers and readers. From such classic works as C.S. Lewis’s Out of the Silent Planet to H.G. Wells’s War of the Worlds, Mars has long held the fascination of poets, writers, and, apparently, the Chinese.

Now it’s gone.

Beckham Signs with Galaxy, then buys them January 12, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

David Beckham signed a five year contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million today, then turned around and bought the team for $2.5 million, its estimated worth.

Neither team spokespeople nor Beckham would provide details on the financial aspects of the two deals, although financial and sport business experts say that the two sides will need to get creative.

While it’s debatable the Galaxy is actually worth the $2.5 million Beckham has reportedly purchased the team for, Beckham was pleased enough with the deal to say last night, “My wife has dresses that cost that much, so yeah, I’m a pretty happy bloke right now.”

Does Your President Reflect? January 9, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

As the State of the Union speech approaches, I thought this would be a good time for us to ask our next president, whoever she/he is, “Do you take time to reflect?”

What exactly IS reflection? Does it mean you take a moment to think about how to explain your actions? Or is it something more meaningful? Like, is what you are doing something that other people of good conscience would do?

Do you think of that? Do you, we should ask, ponder such things as dogma or recalcitrance?

Reflection, to me, is related to survival. I’m no big dog in this area, but I swear, reflection has saved me so much grief that I simply don’t have time to describe it. Or even reflect on it very much. As a result, sometimes I do and say really stupid things. But still, even when that happens, I sometimes think a bit and wonder, “what if I had not?”

I don’t think it is asking much of a president to do the same.

I am not sure, among the candidates who are about to be crowned front runners, which of them take the time to really reflect on things. Obviously, one of them, Obama, who has taken enough time to reflect on things to write two books full of reflection, seems on first glance to be someone who reflects deeply. But how do we know if he is done or not?

So we need to ask this of ourselves, not of our presidential candidates. We need to think, for once, deeply, about who we vote for.

We need to reflect. Only then will we know whether or not the person we vote for is a reflection of ourselves that we can be proud of.

The Gore Years Says, Thank You Ohio State January 9, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

Thank you for reminding us of what is wrong.

And, well, what could be write.

Thank you for teaching us all how to write.

Thank you for making us think about what could have been.

Thank you, mostly, for reminding us why we stay away.

From the Midwest, I mean. You really made us all so proud.

We ex-midwesterners can only hope that the Bears at least show up for their game.

Borat Forces out Kazakh Prime Minister January 8, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
add a comment

This just in from Reuters:

ASTANA, Jan 8 (Reuters) – Kazakh Prime Minister Danial Akhmetov resigned unexpectedly on Monday, forcing the entire cabinet to quit and casting doubt on who will head the oil producing state’s government.

Former Soviet Kazakhstan, the largest republic in Central Asia, borders China and Russia and holds huge energy reserves exploited by Western companies looking to circumvent the Arab-dominated OPEC. Energy hungry China has also been casting glances at oil and gas resources in Kazakhstan — which wants to triple production to 3 million barrels a day by 2015, turning it into one of the world’s top producers.

Kazakhstan, was, of course, until recently, little known outside of the oil industry but has since been made famous by the hit movie, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. The country also, according to Reuters, wants to triple oil production to 3 million barrels a day by 2015, largely to help fulfill China’s insatiable appetite for oil.

“I hope that you will continue to work in this area (government) and continue to creatively put into action ideas of the head of state,” Akhmetov, prime minister since June 2003, is quoted by Reuters as telling his colleagues after announcing his resignation at a cabinet meeting. “In the meantime, I go to America, to find a lovely new wife and maybe go to Northern California and buy a Tesla.”

Akhmetov, 52, is said to be a loyalist of President Nursultan Nazarbayev, and, according to a report out of Reuters, “looked relaxed and happy during the session, which was videotaped and shown to Reuters. He did not say why he had resigned,” but rumors have been pouring in that Nazarbayev, who was initially upset at Borat’s portray of Kazakhstan in Borat, has since come to the conclusion that the publicity gained has offset any negative impact sustained by the movie’s worldwide popularity. The few non-government blogs in Kazakhstan are hinting of a possible coup d’etat initiated by Borat, whose real identity is believed to be Sacha Baron Cohen, a British comedian.

Akhmetov’s apparent giddiness with losing his job to Borat is understandable, and he is known to be fond of Kazakhstan’s national sport, naked wrestling, which has gained popularity in Kazakhstan and other Central Asian countries. The sport has gained traction despite the fact that there is a heavy Islamic influence in Central Asia, although generally, the sport is still limited to motel and hotel rooms in the Kazahk hinterlands.

Borat is reportedly promising to promote the sport heavily if he becomes the new Prime Minister, and will try to help push the sport into the Summer Olympics, replacing baseball.

This has, in turn, enhanced Chicago’s chances of landing the summer Olympics, since Chicago politicians are themselves famous for wrestling, naked, in hotel rooms (“it’s how we get things done,” one aide to both Dalys (Dailies? how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)  is known to have said).