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On the Toilet During the Earthquake? October 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in earthquake, News and politics, South Bay.
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be on the toilet during an earthquake, the results are in. That’s where I was during tonight’s 5.8 shaker. I think the most important thing you need to keep in mind if you’re in that situation is that you need to stay focused. I was done with my duties, and was just beginning the clean up process when I heard a large rumble. Then I thought I heard giant footsteps clomping on the roof. “Okay,” I thought, “we’re being invaded by aliens. Gotta finish this off before I worry about it too much.”

One step at a time, I always say. I’m usually a decent multi-tasker, but this is one occasion that really requires focus. As I saw the shower curtain shake and felt the ground underneath me roll like a wave, I knew it was a quake. My clean up activity became a bit more frenzied, but I stuck to my task at hand, my biggest fear being buried alive with my pants down.

So, if you ever find yourself on the toilet during an earthquake, stay focused. If you’re gonna get buried by rubble, you don’t want people to dig you out and find you with a messy behind and your pants bunched at your ankles, your broken hand weakly clinging to a filthy piece of toilet paper. Chances are, running out with your pants wrapped around your legs is not going to get you very far anyway. So your very first effort should be to clean up, then deal with the ensuing calamity.

Luckily, in this case, there was no calamity. But I think my instincts were sound, and I’ll sleep well tonight knowing I wouldn’t have done anything different no matter the severity.

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Pat Robertson Calls for Hit on JK Rowling October 23, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in 9-11, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Queda, Apple, arms control, Barack Obama, Congressional ethics, Dumbledor, Dumbledor gay, Harry Potter, JK Rowling, News and politics, Potter, Rowling.
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Admitting that the bond between Islamic fundamentalism and Christian fundamentalism is as deep as most of us assumed, Pat Robertson today called for a “Christian Fat wahhh” on JK Rowling for her confession that Dumbledor is gay.

tinky

“Today is a dark day for America as this evil woman has introduced a trojan horse into our nation. Here we all were, comfortable gathering our families together by the fireplace and reading this innocent narrative to our children, when, surprise, out of the gilded binding that is our lovely Harry Potter book came out a truly haunting progeny.

“It reached out its tentacles and we parents happily accepted its embrace. And now, we find our children sucked into the malevolent storm of liberalism — homosexuality, abortion, and general mayhem. For this, I declare, that JK Rowling must be exterminated. I am formally calling for something we should have called during the Clinton years, a fat wahhh on JK Rowling, and anyone who promotes her trojan horse”.

Robertson’s call to arms was immediately heeded on the internet, where the vast counterculture that has been battling the Gore adminstration since the earliest days went into action. “I totally support this effort,” wrote Wayne Huizenga in his blog, Death to Morans. “Ever since I owned Blockbuster, you see, I have understood this fight well. It’s all about empowerment. It’s why my video stores carried slasher movies dedicated to the dismemberment of females, but refused to carry Last Temptation of Christ. It’s all about perception, and other stuff.”

Tunisia, where Pat Robertson is reportedly hidingThe Gore Administration’s reaction was swift. “I am, as we speak, arranging for the arrest of Mr. Robertson,” said Attorney General Andrew M. Cuomo. “The cultural wars that his ilk are so fond of perpetrating have no place in American society. You can expect the Justice Department to expend every resource to find Mr Robertson and bring him to justice.”

Word is that Robertson has escaped to Tunisia, and has found a home with fellow evangelical expatriates who have formed an enclave in the coastal town of Kelibia.

Kelibia is a beautiful coastal town that has so far resisted the trend current among other North African coastal towns, whose shorelines have been taken over by the tourist industry.

Kelibia in fact, is a ghost town on the Mediterranean, an enclave of evangelicals from a variety of religions. It’s a mysterious place where, it seems, the lunatic fringe of all religions have found a home.

There are, in Kelibia, monuments to major evangelical figures from almost every religion on the planet. Kelibia By The SeaThere is, for example, the Yigal Amir monument, a 5,000 foot tower dedicated to the man who nearly doomed the Israeli-Palestine peace process. The word is that the CIA under the Gore Administration funded the statue, just as it funded every other evangelical statue in that statue-laden town.

Why the Gore-funded CIA funded the development of a shoreline in Northern Africa for the purpose of enhancing evangelistic thought is a question for historians. Some say it’s just to get them all in one place, and nuke them, but this seems to be against President Gore’s green thing, which he’s been talking about for six years now.

All we know now is that the town’s three mile shoreline is a long series of 5,000 foot tall statues dedicated to fundamentalists, from a variety of religions. Which exactly those are, however, has remained a mystery, because there is an iron mask over the face of each statue, that, according to the Tunisian government, will be unveiled on July 14, 2008.

“We will reveal the masks all on one day,” says Tunisia’s foreign press secretary, Hlalems Bil Lham. “We’re not sure who paid for all these damned statues of all these damned freaks, but we’ll drop the masks on all 100 statues lining our coastline on July 14, because we consider that an important date, although nobody here is sure why, although we suspect the French.”

Then, with a gleam in his eye, he says, “and when we unveil the masks, we pretty much expect the end of the earth as we know it. Which is fine with me, since our family hasn’t grown a nice tomato in about 50 years.”

Al Gore For President October 17, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
2 comments

One of the risks with a site like this, with its fictional headlines, is that it will confuse readers when a real statement, made about real times, is made.

This is one of those times. This is a fictional blog. I’ve created a very silly, unrealistic world where Al Gore, as president, wins four Nobel peace prizes.

I also write about things like how Google has bought Russia (for reasons I assume to my intelligent readers are obvious), and how iPhone 2 will be soldered to your head.

But people who know me well know that I was absolutely crushed when George W. Bush was re-elected. My friends will tell you how I was at work watching the exit polls online and was bewildered when I came home and saw the states turn red on the network maps.

My wife’s favorite story about that horrible period is about the time we were watching some cloggers at a festival and I bitched that those nasty cloggers had to be red-staters, and weren’t worth watching because of that fact.

So ya, that was sort of my George Bush bottom.

However, other people, you included, have even worse tales to tell. We could all, in fact, fill up a book describing the time we felt, under the George W. Bush presidency, our nation fall to its most severe bottom. Some of us felt that it happened with that initial Supreme Court decision. Some of us feel it happened during 9/11, when a president heard in his ear that New York had been struck, and kept reading a children’s book, for reasons that historians will ponder much harder than our own media did.

Even die hard Republicans, those who are honest, feel the rage, because, as you all know, the one defining moment of the Bush presidency, the Iraq war, is an embarrassment even to the most gung ho marine. Show me a proud marine today, and I’ll show you a proud Cubs fan. Show me a military man who understands Bush’s tactics, and I’ll show you a book named Sun Tzu’s The Art of Buttfucking a War. With detailed maps.

There is, then, little question that the Bush presidency has been disastrous. Not many Republicans are actually willing to go on the line and say, “In George We Trust.”

However, none of them will tell you the truth about the excavation project needed to rescue America from the Dubya legacy. That legacy is such a huge disaster that I almost question the sanity of any Democrat willing to tackle the fallout.

Still, politics being what they are, there they are. Hillary, bless her heart, seems okay with adopting the economy that Bush has brought forth.

This is not the easy thing that the recovery from the last Republican, Reagan-based debt fest was. Hillary is basically saying, “I can absorb the biggest hit on government debt in history, and I will survive.” Typical feminist fervor, but it’s unlikely anybody can survive the hit Bush has created. That she considers herself up to the challenge, and has proven herself such a professional since her first early returns from upstate NY, earns my respect.

I will, without hesitation, vote for her if she wins the nomination.

Barack Obama is also a worthy candidate for the Presidency, and I say this even though I’ve slammed him. I really thought the Pakistan remark was the mark of a true rookie, but, at the end of the day, I trust an intelligent man, which Obama surely is, over an unintelligent man, like George W. Bush, the leader of our idiocracy.

Obviously, I will vote for Obama if he is the Democratic nominee.

The natural question, then, if you’re a thinker, is, why mess with a good thing?

You’ve got two great candidates, both of whom would run circles around the Republican alternatives.

I guess for me, it’s like that Cold Play Video, where we can maybe recreate the car accident.

History has shown, or, at least, is now showing, that Al Gore’s “I invented the Internet” quote is a Republican invention, and that he was, as a congressman, a huge promoter of Arapnet. And, in the wake of his Nobel prize, his collaborators are saying he’s been harping about the environment for 25 years.

A google search shows he’s actually been doing it for a bit longer than that, but whatever.

He is, in other words, a proven visionary.

This site was not conceived as an Al Gore love fest. I started it because I simply wondered, out loud, and through this web site, what life might have been like if Al Gore had won the 2000 election.

Now that the various Gore love fest sites are pointing to this site I need to say again — I was never a fan of Al Gore.

I’m still not a fan. I’m not a fan of anybody. Fandom is stupid. But I do know, from researching this man named Al Gore, that he is the best hope for a population tired of our system, and the best hope for a world who’s ass has been kicked by a retard. And he tells me that maybe the failure of modern politics is not that there is a dearth of visionaries, but, instead, that modern political apathy creates results like George W. Bush.

Countrywide to Offer 200 Year Mortgage Notes October 17, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
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Countrywide Financial Corp., the nation’s largest mortgage lender, said it will offer 200 year mortgage notes to help offset a pretax restructuring charge of as much as $150 million designed to cut operational costs in the wake of the banking industry’s disastrous attempt to finance a housing bubble Treasury Secretary Soros warned of five years ago. This comes in the wake of President Gore’s veto of a bill to revamp bankruptcy laws. The bill, which would have created greater restrictions on consumer bankruptcy options, won congressional approval despite a cacophony of resistance from a variety of consumer advocacy groups and predictions by talking heads that a Democratic congress would not pass such a bill.

Countrywide has slashed at least 12,000 jobs because of slower lending, although about 11,000 of them are now expected to be hired again to wade through the paperwork that the 200 year notes are expected to create.

Turkish Parliament to Introduce Native American Genocide Bill October 17, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Armenian-American, Congress, genocide, genocide bill, News and politics, Turk-Armenian, Turkey, Turkish-Armenian, Turky.
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Roanoke Shell Habib remembers reading the notes from his great great grandfather’s diary, which were scribbled on the back page of the Koran. The only known Turkish Armenian to have Native American ancestry, Habib recoils at the vivid descriptions his ancestor recounts in the diary, which details horrific scenes of mutilation and oppression at the hands of American soldiers bent on “taming the West”.

The diary also asks a simple question. “What exactly out here is there to tame? We are too poor to be wild, too defeated to rebel, too tired to even ask why. The question I ask of my fellows in humanity is this. What is it about us that makes us hang on the processing line of the slaughterhouse? If it is our land they want, could not they steal it from us without utterly removing our dignity?”

Still, Habib can smile today, as he is part owner of a casino in Nevada that is a testimony to the same greed that consumed his ancestors’ nation.

“It’s a small consolation, but it still puts a smile on my face, watching dogs eat themselves from the inside out.”

Today, the Turkish Parliament introduced a non-binding resolution condemning the Native American genocide.

President Gore Wins Fourth Nobel Peace Prize October 12, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in 9-11, Al Gore, Gore Nobel, Gore Peace Prize, News and politics, Nobel Peace Prize, peace prize, President Gore.
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President Gore today continued his string of Peace Prize awards, this time for his efforts on the environment. This year’s award was shared with the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change for its work to alert the world to the threat of global warming.


Cornelius Poppe/European
Pressphoto Agency

His previous awards were for his peace efforts in the Middle East, which have transformed the region from a hotbed of conflict to a regional economic powerhouse. Obviously, this is the first time an American president has been honored with a series of peace prizes from the Nobel Committee.

Google to Buy Russia October 9, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Google, News and politics, Russia, stocks.
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First there were oligarchs in Russia. Soon there may be Googlegarchs, if a rumored internet story turns out to be true.

Word from three cities, Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Mountain View, that Google will purchase the Russian Federation for an undisclosed sum is beginning to take the Net by storm.

GoogleRussiaThose looking for a motive shouldn’t have far to look.

For one thing, Russia and its various sister nations are chock full of inexpensive software engineers. Really good ones, too.

But there’s more. Russia is a sea of oil. A frozen sea of oil, but, hey, when your stock price goes from a little over a hundred bucks to $600+ in just a few years, what’s a few Gazproms?

Already, the State of Oregon is in a state of panic, and is offering to cover the total cost of Google’s data center in the Dalles because of fear that better, more pristine areas could be exploited in the Russian wilderness. “We’ve already got a great environment here in Oregon,” says one Oregon legislator. “Why do we need more good environment? We should not only fund Google’s industrialization of the Dalles, we should take away their risk, so that they can do more in similar environs. Otherwise, the Russkis win.”

How Google’s purchase of Russia would affect the upcoming elections in that nation is unclear, although most pundits are saying that the upcoming elections were kind of silly anyway, and that the only people following them were readers of the Economist.

“Putin and Google are a perfect match,” says David Dwad of the Stanford Ear, Eye and Google Institute. “It’s all about crushing the competition, and they’ve both done it in supremely subtle ways that have convinced their respective populations that no evil is done. From both a sociological and pathological perspective, they’re the poster children of the 21st century, and, as such, they’re a perfect match.”

The Gore administration, which has been at odds with the Putin administration since the first wave of press repression, has always sort of been in favor of a Google takeover of Russia. “Look,” says one administration insider who wouldn’t let us reveal her name, “we all know that that part of the continent has sort of this fixation with a daddy complex, so why not let our biggest daddy deliver it to them?”

New iPhone Firmware Update Will Taser Users of Unlocked iPhones October 1, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Apple, gadgets, George W. Bush, hackers, Inc., iPhone, iPhone firmware, unbrick.
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Apple will release a new iPhone firmware update that will taser users of unlocked iPhones, industry sources are reporting. The new firmware update will be automatically downloaded to users’ phones, and will reportedly search for network services upon start up. If a network other than AT&T is found, the phone will zap its user with 50000 volts of electricity. Industry experts are saying this latest move is Apple’s response to the ability of hackers to quickly adjust to the introduction of firmware version 1.1.1, which “bricked” the iPhone, making it useless if used with a SIM card designed to work with phone networks other than AT&T.

Apple is also expected to make a jump in firmware versioning. Unconfirmed rumors are that the new version will be 6.6.6, rather than 1.1.2, to better reflect the company’s new stance towards consumers.

Apple spokeswoman Cherry Core, when reached for comment, would only say that “we’re always looking for ways to strengthen our partnerships with other companies.”

There are also unsubstantiated rumors that Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush joined Apple recently as a security consultant, and that the idea was hatched among he and staff members during a hunt at his ranch this weekend in Crawford, Texas. Bush is said to be a big fan of the iPhone because, according to baseball industry insiders, “it has big buttons on it and he thinks eventually he may be able to figure out how to use it,” a task he has been unable to do with other mobile technology.