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George W. Bush Named New Baseball Commissioner August 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Barry Bonds, baseball, baseball commish, baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, Budd Selig, Selig, steroids.

Former Presidential candidate George W. Bush today was named Commissioner of Baseball after Bud Selig, the current commissioner, was indicted by the Justice Department for, according to U.S. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, “fostering an environment conducive to extreme levels of drug use in the Major Leagues.”

Bush, who recently left the Betty Ford Clinic, where he spent several years as a resident battling alcohol problems, and where TV is not allowed for patients considered to be the most extreme, immediately declared a “moratorium on drugs in baseball.”

“Where there are drugs,” Bush said, in accepting the job during a ceremony in Cooperstown, PA, “we will find them. And if they’re not there, we’ll find them. Because everyone knows they’re there, and it’s our job to find them.”

Bush also announced that there would be some revolutionary changes made to keep baseball a part of America’s pasttime.

“It’s evident that most Americans don’t watch games between the end of the third and the seventh inning, so we’ll just delete those innings, because the evidence also shows that most Americans have stopped watching baseball,” he said.

Bush was in the Betty Ford Center during the Sosa/McGuire home run chase and may have missed the huge increase in fan base that happened with that.

So we at the Gore Years sent an email to his secretary, Harriet Myers. Did he miss the fun? we asked.

“No,” came her reply, “Georgey was aware of the blip. But it was just a blip. Blips are not trends. We’re familiar with trends. We help them along when needed, and if not needed, we help them expire. But the middle innings, and this is proven, are not necessary.”

She also said that although some baseball fans may object to losing the middle innings, “They’re not our core constituency. They’re asleep anyway. You don’t need consensus for things like this. In fact, Georgey says we don’t need consensus for anything, and who am I to argue?”

Asked by various members of the press to react to the hiring of a former substance abuser to be the new baseball commissioner, Cuomo’s office released a press statement saying, “Most everyone is capable of rehabilitation, and it would not be appropriate for a branch of government to make moral judgments on these things.”

President Gore Marks Hurricane Katrina Anniversary August 29, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Al Queda, Hurricane Katrina, Katrina, News and politics, Politics, President Gore.
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President Gore is marking Hurricane Katrina’s devastating blow by celebrating the city’s resurgence led by those he says have “dedicated their lives to the renewal of New Orleans.”

With the region quickly recovering and actually rediscovering an even larger tourist base from its former self after two years, some here think the president is using the spotlight to brag a little about the successful comeback of a city devastated by the storm.

Gore, in a press conference in the French Quarter, did little to try to deny an opportunity for photo ops. “The military services learned a lot about infrastructure recovery when we were able to help out in the Middle East,” said Gore, who has long advocated an expanded, humanitarian role for the military in an era during which, he has said, “war is becoming obsolete.”

Idaho Tourist Alert: Don’t Play Footsies With The Dude in the Toilet Stall Next to You August 29, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in family values, Larry Craig, moral values, News and politics, President Gore, Republican hypocrisy, Republicans.
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Tourist alert.

The next time you are in Idaho, and you just have an unwavering yearning to slide your foot into the foot of the guy in the stall next to you, find a way to resist. You may find this difficult, because, after all, what normal guy is not compelled to tap the toe of the guy in the adjoining toilet stall?

Got Rectum?

In fact, a recent study by The Heritage Foundation found that a significant percentage of American men who consider themselves moral crusaders have at least considered playing footsies with strangers entering nearby toilet stalls. And many consider it a right of passage.

“Actually, there is a little known ceremonial ritual behind this whole thing, and it’s initiated by the touching overture of that quintessential moment when plastic meets porcelain,” says Heritage Senior Research Fellow Robert Rectum. “When that toilet seat slams down, it just creates this unbelievable rush of excitement. I think it’s fair to say that it’s a manly thing, a fun, totally hetero, gunz-a-blazing whapparama thing that needs to be experienced to be appreciated. And in fact, most manly men, we have experienced this, and we all cherish that moment when we hear that toilet seat go down. Hell, who doesn’t look at the shoes of the man next to him? Anyone who says he doesn’t is a liar. So it should come as no shock to see the next obvious step. No pun intended.”

John Edward Thomas Moynahan Wins Lottery August 29, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Bridget Moynahan, Bundchen, Gisele Bundchen, John Edwards, Moynahan, News and politics, Patriots, super bowl, Tom Brady.

John Edward Thomas Moynahan was born today via model/actress Bridget Moynahan. As Tom Brady’s son, he is the equivalent of an instant lotto winner.

gisele bundchen, anybody?

“I’m ecstatic about being part of this family,” Moynahan said in a statement read by his attorneys, Morris and Aaron Zuckerman. “Even though, technically, we are not really a family.”

Brady, a popular NFL quarterback (as opposed to, say, Michael Vick, who was, actually, once, quite popular until he was upended by the Alpo Meter) , is no longer dating John Edward Thomas’s mother, and is currently dating, instead, supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

Bundchen, in a statement issued by her publicist, said she would conceive also, but is in no rush.

“I have total faith in both Tom and John Edward Thomas that they will help fulfill the legacy of the Brady/Moynahan/Bundchen family. We have a strong tradition. Our family is strong, and so is everyone else. We believe that strongly.”

U.S. to Outsource All Government Functions to Indian Company August 21, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, blogosphere, Drudge Report, Goa, Gore, Gore Years, outsource, outsourcing.
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In a dramatic move to cut government expenditures, The Drudge Report is reporting that the The Gore Administration will soon outsource all non-military government operations to an Indian company called “OutDamnedSpot,” pending congressional approval.

Details are sketchy, so far, but insiders are leaking some concepts to bloggers. “We’ve identified a major urban area in India,” said one inside source quoted by the Drudge Report. “The plan is to clear any cities out, and move in contractors specializing in government processes and bureaucracy. It’s a win-win for the U.S. Government, because, according to the contract, if we’re not happy with their performance we can pull out of the contract, no questions asked.”

The blogosphere is ripe with rumors that the operations will be based in the Indian state of Goa, and that, if necessary, the contractor will build a new coastal city to accommodate the new contract. Some rumors are also suggesting that the contractor will require all employees to work at least 23.5 hours per day through a written agreement.

No comment yet from anyone in the Gore Administration.

Obama Visits Havana August 21, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Barack Obama, Barak Obama, Cuba, Election 2008, elections, Havana, News and politics, Obama.
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On what has become a fixation of Democratic candidates on the American campaign tour, Barack Obama visited Havana, Cuba, today. He is the sixth Democratic candidate to visit Havana during this campaign season. Diplomatic relations with Cuba have been rockier than many suspected after Gore initiated the Havana Proposals shortly after the Democratic rout of Republicans in the last congressional election, but it has not stopped the march of candidates into Habana.

American diplomats have had to walk a fine line between the obvious necessity of treating Cuba like a normal person, and Raul Castro’s love affair with Hugo Chavez.

Chavez, although he has made several “I Love Al Gore” pronouncements, has nationalized and renationalized most of the hard core industrial infrastructure in Venezuela.

Obama’s reaction to his visit was a mixture of happiness and concern.

“On one hand, it’s good to see the new trade pact taking hold,” he said, referring to a new trade package between the U.S. and Cuba, “but, on a personal level, it is difficult to be a witness to the commercialism and greed that is pushing the folks who have been the backbone of this economy inland. I’d like to know what becomes of them.”

Obama then toured the suburbs of Havana and the adjoining countryside.

In a political season bereft of major issues, Obama tried to seize one: “This is a beautiful country. Now that we have established relations with Cuba, think eminent domain, multiplied ten fold.”

Iran Renames Republican Guards August 16, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Iran, Jorge Posada, New York Yankees, Revolutionary Guards.
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In a move designed to shed the controversy that has followed its elite military unit, Iran today announced it was renaming its Republican Guards unit to The Posada. The announcement was made by Grand Ayatollah Hossein-Ali Montazeri and Iranian President Kamal Kharrazi in a joint press conference. Several observers are commenting that the move is a symbolic one to reflect the growing levels of détente between the U.S. and Iran that has taken place in recent years.

However, Kharrazi, in answering a question about the move, said, “Actually, it’s because many young Iranians are big Yankees fans, and we like Jorge Posada quite a lot.”

All Republican Presidential Candidates Officially Withdraw After Iowa Straw Poll August 14, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Fred Thomson, Gore, Gore Years, John McCain, Mitt Romney, News and politics, President Gore, republican primary, Ron Paul, satire.

In a stunning and historically unprecedented move, all 8 Republicans in the Republican primary race announced their withdrawal from the Presidential race in a joint press conference in Des Moines, Iowa today.

The decision was made by the candidates after they met in a hotel in Des Moines and decided that they needed a unified reaction to the fact that only five Iowans voted in this year’s Iowa Straw Poll, all for Representative and blog world superstar Ron Paul, who admitted today during the press conference that his libertarian roots ran contrary to the opinion of nearly 98% of Americans.

Quick question. Is he Jack Bauer's boss? Or some other Jack?

The press conference was led by Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York, who said, “America, under Al Gore, has entered a golden age, and as the opposition party we need to refocus our agenda and stop trying to divide America. Instead, what we need to do as a party is determine how to fine tune the fine progress this administration has made. This isn’t some brilliant revelation on the part of any one of us, but is instead a central fact of American polity today. Speaking only for myself I can tell you that the personal scandals I would have brought to fore would have made Bill Clinton look like an English schoolboy in knickers.”

Next to take the stage was Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who said that the revelations in the liberal press about his backwardness would “destroy the kind of tinker toy presidency that I would have. Unlike the last neo-con candidate, George W. Bush, I’m actually smart and could have made a good run of it, but at the end of the day folks would have discovered my underlying prejudices and extreme views.”

Next up to the podium was John McCain, who lost to Gore in 2004. McCain merely shrugged and, with his typical honesty, said, “I just pretty much suck as a presidential candidate. But I’m a pretty good guy. I get a little pissed off sometimes though, and my advisers kept playing tapes of Howard Dean and said, ‘this is you, pal, on a good day.’ So yeah, I’m calling it quits.”

Mitt Romney appeared next. Romney, who is calling for an invasion of Iran even though Iran and the U.S. are in a period of sustained détente, lamented the apparent re-direction of the American military service’s mission during the Gore Years, but said there was little hope of changing it.

“In recent years, we’ve gone from a military machine capable of quickly evaporating any foe to a world-wide army corps of engineers. Today we have engineering brigades in countless countries, with the supposed intention of helping countries escape poverty and the results of armed conflict. While doing this, however, we have ignored the fact that we could be attacked at any time by any number of enemies. I will devote the rest of my career to identifying these enemies through a new blog I will be writing called, ‘Meet Mitt’s Enemies.’ I think my supporters will enjoy it.”

Fred Thompson was also at the event, and declined to say whether he would run, although he provided some hints when he said, “Well, people know me as Jack’s boss, and some people who vote at the last minute are so stupid that they won’t know if I’m Jack Bauer’s boss, or Jack’s boss from Law and Order, so I guess things are looking up for old Fred right now. Gotta work on my hair, though.”

The other candidates never get any mention in the press, and had nothing at all interesting to say, so we’ll join the mainstream press and dutifully ignore them.

Patraeus Calls for National Service Draft August 11, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.
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U.S. Army General David Patraeus, who is credited with successfully hunting down Osama bin Laden and other Al Queda members in Eastern Afghanistan in mid 2002, today called for a National Service Draft. Draftees would choose between three services: a Peace Corps type of service focusing on international aid, a national corps that would focus on domestic aid, and any of the military services.

Some of the reasoning behind the suggestion is said to revolve around internal grumbling within the armed forces hierarchy. “Nobody’s itching for a war or anything,” Patraeus told the New York Times, “and in fact, traditionally, the armed forces leadership is usually the first to voice opposition to armed incursions. But the truth is that our troops are getting a little rusty, and we need to start looking at ways we can get them involved in matters outside the realm of traditional warfare. I think sending guard units into Iraq after the fall of Saddam to help shore up the infrastructure there has paid obvious dividends, but I think if our troops were to be deployed to areas in need are to be successful — assuming this trend continues, then we should develop a support mechanism for that.”

President Gore was vacationing at Club Med Havana, and could not be reached for comment.

Bush Calls for Air Strikes Against Russia in Retaliation for Georgian Missile Attack August 8, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, arms control, Bush, George W. Bush, Georgia, Gore, missiles, News and politics, President Gore, Russia.
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Former Presidential Candidate George W. Bush today called for air strikes against Russia for what he called “its unpardonable missile attack against Georgia.”

Bush, who was defeated by President Al Gore in a close and controversial election in 2000, speaking from the Betty Ford Center, where he is completing an extensive stay, said, “The great state of Georgia should be answered for. I have many friends in many parts of Georgia, including Atlanta, and of course Savannah, a fine town, and I’m sure they must all be very upset about the Russian attack. I don’t know what could have provoked the Russians to attack our homeland, but it is vital that this appeasement president respond in kind. I therefore call on President Gore to immediately launch a strike against the Soviets.”

There has been no official response from the White House yet on Bush’s remarks. President Gore is in Havana, Cuba, on a visit with Raul Castro.