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Why Rex Grossman’s Eyebrows Are The New Black January 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Rex Grossman, super bowl.
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Rex Grossman may be despised by about 50% of Bears fans, but his eyebrows are the new black.

Why? Well, quite frankly, he’s pretty. Actually, he’s very, very pretty. Chicago men won’t tell you this, of course. Chicago men, real men, those from the city of broad shoulders, will, for one thing, never acknowledge that a pretty boy is their quarterback.

We’re talking about men, here, who have grown up in tough neighborhoods. And all Chicago men, even those who live in the gay neighborhoods (maybe, especially them), have lived in tough neighborhoods. Think about it. If you’ve grown up in a tough neighborhood, have you ever, ever seen eyebrows like Rex Grossman’s survive a softball or basketball game in Chicago’s streets, much less a whole season of football? Of course you haven’t.

Rex Grossman's Eyes

When Rex’s big beautiful brown eyebrows manage to protrude their way out of a facemask that has been buried deep into the grass because a lame offensive line has failed him (which has happened a lot more often than Rex will say cuz he loves his linemen), all of us Chicagoans can do is say to ourselves, “Wow, look at how that dude’s eyebrows have stayed intact.” We don’t talk about how those 300 pound behemoths that are paid to protect him have, well, not done so. Nope, we Chicagoans praise the 300 pound behemoths for opening lanes for Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson, and wonder why Mr. Eyebrows can’t be a better quarterback under absolutely withering pressure.

That Rex ‘s eyebrows haven’t been torn out of his head by now, is, actually, suspicious to most of us Bears fans who grew up watching Bobby Douglas and Jim McMahon. Real men are willing to not only have their eyebrows torn off their faces, but would never have them in the first place.

Even worse is when we see Grossman’s eyebrows laying there in the field, long after Grossman himself has gotten up, dusted himself off, and gone back to the huddle. The eyebrows, buried deep into the turf, ignored by even their owner as he struts into the huddle, seem to wink at us, suggesting to us that prettiness may be just become the new NFL. Or, worse, the new black.

It’s a terrible, terrible thing for most Chicago men to consider. Most Chicago men, as you know by now, if you’ve been paying attention, are man’s men. They aren’t comfortable with pretty eyebrows laying around on the turf, saying things.

Especially when they’re big, beautiful brown eyebrows from South Beach.

BTW, a history of Bears QB’s, for those uncomfortable with GQ:

http://www.bearshistory.com/lore/chicagobearsquarterbacks.aspx

Postscript: I’m from Chicago, and have been a Grossman backer from the earliest days of the criticism. My point has been, and is still, just wait. Just wait till he learns to tuck the ball in under pressure and run the other way. Actually, that’s about it. That’s about all, really, he needs to do.

Go Bears.

Postscript, postscript: Rex really, really sucked. Luckily, Brian Greise, whose eyebrows are not very notable, is signed to a five year contract, while we Bears fans, apparently, are still waiting for a QB.

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