New iPhone Firmware Update Will Taser Users of Unlocked iPhones

Apple will release a new iPhone firmware update that will taser users of unlocked iPhones, industry sources are reporting. The new firmware update will be automatically downloaded to users’ phones, and will reportedly search for network services upon start up. If a network other than AT&T is found, the phone will zap its user with 50000 volts of electricity. Industry experts are saying this latest move is Apple’s response to the ability of hackers to quickly adjust to the introduction of firmware version 1.1.1, which “bricked” the iPhone, making it useless if used with a SIM card designed to work with phone networks other than AT&T.

Apple is also expected to make a jump in firmware versioning. Unconfirmed rumors are that the new version will be 6.6.6, rather than 1.1.2, to better reflect the company’s new stance towards consumers.

Apple spokeswoman Cherry Core, when reached for comment, would only say that “we’re always looking for ways to strengthen our partnerships with other companies.”

There are also unsubstantiated rumors that Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush joined Apple recently as a security consultant, and that the idea was hatched among he and staff members during a hunt at his ranch this weekend in Crawford, Texas. Bush is said to be a big fan of the iPhone because, according to baseball industry insiders, “it has big buttons on it and he thinks eventually he may be able to figure out how to use it,” a task he has been unable to do with other mobile technology.