Apple Announces Plans for iPhone 2

Apple, Inc. today announced plans for iPhone 2, which will only be available to consumers willing to have the hardware device soldered to their heads in a fashion similar to the La Forge character on the series “Star Trek, Next Generation.”

Cherry Core, a spokeswoman for Apple, today told The Gore Years that the concept behind iPhone 2 is an extension of the way the current iPhone’s battery is soldered into the device. Currently, it’s necessary to bring the iPhone in for servicing when a new battery is required.

“This is a necessary part of the process of owning an iPhone,” said Core. “Consumers should feel like they’re part of the system itself. We call it consumergy, the synergy between our customers and this device. With iPhone 2, we take it a step further, and attach it to your face.”

Apple says that consumers will need to visit approved medical facilities to install the device. There are rumors that several leading health care organizations are clamoring to become exclusive regional licensors of the phone. Among the considerations Apple will be taking into account, of course, will be a health facility’s ability to handle the early rush of consumers eager to be first in line.

In California, for example, the leading candidate is probably Kaiser Permanente, which has a massive network of facilities and the infrastructure to handle long lines of camped out people for days at a time.

The iPhone 2 is an obvious route to new revenues for the health care industry. And it’s a win-win for both Apple and health care organizations. By paying a modest licensing fee, health care organizations feed Apple’s coffers, while gaining new customers who will often feel locked in to their providers. “Generally people will probably feel most comfortable with the health care facility that made the initial installation when maintenance is required”, says Stanford University’s Dr. Gustav Klinger of Stanford’s Eye, Ear and Apple Institute. “It may even begin to establish a sense of brand loyalty among certain health care providers. If you’re a clever hospital administrator, really, the sky’s the limit on what can be achieved with a licensing agreement with Apple.”

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