jump to navigation

George W. Bush Named New Baseball Commissioner August 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Barry Bonds, baseball, baseball commish, baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, Budd Selig, Selig, steroids.

Former Presidential candidate George W. Bush today was named Commissioner of Baseball after Bud Selig, the current commissioner, was indicted by the Justice Department for, according to U.S. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, “fostering an environment conducive to extreme levels of drug use in the Major Leagues.”

Bush, who recently left the Betty Ford Clinic, where he spent several years as a resident battling alcohol problems, and where TV is not allowed for patients considered to be the most extreme, immediately declared a “moratorium on drugs in baseball.”

“Where there are drugs,” Bush said, in accepting the job during a ceremony in Cooperstown, PA, “we will find them. And if they’re not there, we’ll find them. Because everyone knows they’re there, and it’s our job to find them.”

Bush also announced that there would be some revolutionary changes made to keep baseball a part of America’s pasttime.

“It’s evident that most Americans don’t watch games between the end of the third and the seventh inning, so we’ll just delete those innings, because the evidence also shows that most Americans have stopped watching baseball,” he said.

Bush was in the Betty Ford Center during the Sosa/McGuire home run chase and may have missed the huge increase in fan base that happened with that.

So we at the Gore Years sent an email to his secretary, Harriet Myers. Did he miss the fun? we asked.

“No,” came her reply, “Georgey was aware of the blip. But it was just a blip. Blips are not trends. We’re familiar with trends. We help them along when needed, and if not needed, we help them expire. But the middle innings, and this is proven, are not necessary.”

She also said that although some baseball fans may object to losing the middle innings, “They’re not our core constituency. They’re asleep anyway. You don’t need consensus for things like this. In fact, Georgey says we don’t need consensus for anything, and who am I to argue?”

Asked by various members of the press to react to the hiring of a former substance abuser to be the new baseball commissioner, Cuomo’s office released a press statement saying, “Most everyone is capable of rehabilitation, and it would not be appropriate for a branch of government to make moral judgments on these things.”


1. New iPhone Firmware Update Will Taser Users of Unlocked Phones « The Gore Years - October 1, 2007

[…] are also unsubstantiated rumors that Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush joined Apple recently as a security consultant, and that the idea was hatched among he and staff […]

2. Baseball Commish: Baseball Has No Steroids Problem « The Gore Years - December 15, 2007

[…] steroids. Tags: baseball, baseball and steroids, baseball commissioner, steroids trackback Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush today defended Major League Baseball in the wake of the Mitchell report on steroids and declared to […]

3. Presidential Candidates Assault the Senses « The Gore Years - February 5, 2008

[…] with former candidate George W. Bush after dinner, arranged for a Britney Spears-like pickup of Baseball Commisioner Bush around 10 pm, and was scheduled to arrive in California for a rally at the Spears residence just […]

4. Andrew Yu-Jen Wang - March 4, 2009

Speaking of George W. Bush:

George W. Bush committed hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism (indicated in my blog).

George W. Bush did in fact commit innumerable hate crimes.

And I do solemnly swear by Almighty God that George W. Bush committed other hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism which I am not at liberty to mention.

Many people know what Bush did.

And many people will know what Bush did—even to the end of the world.

Bush was absolute evil.

Bush is now like a fugitive from justice.

Bush is a psychological prisoner.

Bush has a lot to worry about.

Bush can technically be prosecuted for hate crimes at any time.

In any case, Bush will go down in history in infamy.

Submitted by Andrew Yu-Jen Wang
B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
Messiah College, Grantham, PA
Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

I am not sure where I had read it before, but anyway, it is a linguistically excellent statement, and it goes kind of like this: “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memory so it never got stale and faded.” Oh wait—off the top of my head—I think the quotation came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

5. bigoil - November 29, 2009

At the Press Conference in Arlington, Texas announcing the closing of the ExxonMobil purchase of the Texas Rangers Baseball Club for $**700,000,000**, and after awarding the rights to host the 2012 MLB All-Star Game to the Texas Rangers, Bud Selig makes a surprise announcement by naming his successor who will take up the gavel as Major League Baseball’s Tenth Commissioner no later than 2012:

George W. Bush

6. George W. Bush Named New Baseball Commissioner « Elite Article Source - December 14, 2009

[…] George W. Bush Named new Baseball Commissioner […]

7. King Lort - November 17, 2010

Cooperstown is in New York, not PA.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: