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President Gore Wins Fourth Nobel Peace Prize October 12, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in 9-11, Al Gore, Gore Nobel, Gore Peace Prize, News and politics, Nobel Peace Prize, peace prize, President Gore.
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President Gore today continued his string of Peace Prize awards, this time for his efforts on the environment. This year’s award was shared with the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change for its work to alert the world to the threat of global warming.

Cornelius Poppe/European
Pressphoto Agency

His previous awards were for his peace efforts in the Middle East, which have transformed the region from a hotbed of conflict to a regional economic powerhouse. Obviously, this is the first time an American president has been honored with a series of peace prizes from the Nobel Committee.

Snuff Film of bin Laden Reported to be Released Soon September 7, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in 9-11, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Queda, bin Laden, blogosphere, blogs, Osama bin Laden, President Gore, snuff film.
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The blogosphere is agog over the rumors that a snuff film of Osama bin Laden, created by a former member of the special operations unit that hunted him down and killed him in Afghanistan in 2002, will be released tomorrow over the Internet. Details are sketchy, if only because the actual details of his death weren’t released by the government. For this reason, although snuff films have never been popular among normal people, many in the blogging community are expecting massive hits when it is released on YouTube.

No motive for the film’s release have been revealed. bin Laden’s body was turned over to his family in Saudi Arabia and he received a “proper burial”, in the words of President Gore, and some in the military think that the motive for the release of the film may be tied in some way to that, although exactly how is unclear. Others think that the creator of the film is just into snuff, and is hoping this is a way of helping it go mainstream.

Panel recommends that U.S. lower its profile in Iraq September 6, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Gore, Iran, Iraq, President Gore.
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An independent panel led by the heirs of Orville Redenbacher is recommending that businesses and organizations in Iraq that have direct ties to the U.S. lower their profile. “There is a mythology that Iran happened because a dictator ruled the country,” said the spokesperson for the panel, Christiane Amanpour, “but we would argue that what happened was that Iran experienced a shockwave, and that the Ayatollahs were merely a symptom of a larger backlash against Western materialism. Conditions are ripe for the same thing to happen in Iraq today.”

Iraq, as everyone knows, is the new glam child of the Middle East, but its Shi’ite population is becoming a bit restive.

President Gore Marks Hurricane Katrina Anniversary August 29, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Al Queda, Hurricane Katrina, Katrina, News and politics, Politics, President Gore.
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President Gore is marking Hurricane Katrina’s devastating blow by celebrating the city’s resurgence led by those he says have “dedicated their lives to the renewal of New Orleans.”

With the region quickly recovering and actually rediscovering an even larger tourist base from its former self after two years, some here think the president is using the spotlight to brag a little about the successful comeback of a city devastated by the storm.

Gore, in a press conference in the French Quarter, did little to try to deny an opportunity for photo ops. “The military services learned a lot about infrastructure recovery when we were able to help out in the Middle East,” said Gore, who has long advocated an expanded, humanitarian role for the military in an era during which, he has said, “war is becoming obsolete.”

Idaho Tourist Alert: Don’t Play Footsies With The Dude in the Toilet Stall Next to You August 29, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in family values, Larry Craig, moral values, News and politics, President Gore, Republican hypocrisy, Republicans.
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Tourist alert.

The next time you are in Idaho, and you just have an unwavering yearning to slide your foot into the foot of the guy in the stall next to you, find a way to resist. You may find this difficult, because, after all, what normal guy is not compelled to tap the toe of the guy in the adjoining toilet stall?

Got Rectum?

In fact, a recent study by The Heritage Foundation found that a significant percentage of American men who consider themselves moral crusaders have at least considered playing footsies with strangers entering nearby toilet stalls. And many consider it a right of passage.

“Actually, there is a little known ceremonial ritual behind this whole thing, and it’s initiated by the touching overture of that quintessential moment when plastic meets porcelain,” says Heritage Senior Research Fellow Robert Rectum. “When that toilet seat slams down, it just creates this unbelievable rush of excitement. I think it’s fair to say that it’s a manly thing, a fun, totally hetero, gunz-a-blazing whapparama thing that needs to be experienced to be appreciated. And in fact, most manly men, we have experienced this, and we all cherish that moment when we hear that toilet seat go down. Hell, who doesn’t look at the shoes of the man next to him? Anyone who says he doesn’t is a liar. So it should come as no shock to see the next obvious step. No pun intended.”

All Republican Presidential Candidates Officially Withdraw After Iowa Straw Poll August 14, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Fred Thomson, Gore, Gore Years, John McCain, Mitt Romney, News and politics, President Gore, republican primary, Ron Paul, satire.

In a stunning and historically unprecedented move, all 8 Republicans in the Republican primary race announced their withdrawal from the Presidential race in a joint press conference in Des Moines, Iowa today.

The decision was made by the candidates after they met in a hotel in Des Moines and decided that they needed a unified reaction to the fact that only five Iowans voted in this year’s Iowa Straw Poll, all for Representative and blog world superstar Ron Paul, who admitted today during the press conference that his libertarian roots ran contrary to the opinion of nearly 98% of Americans.

Quick question. Is he Jack Bauer's boss? Or some other Jack?

The press conference was led by Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York, who said, “America, under Al Gore, has entered a golden age, and as the opposition party we need to refocus our agenda and stop trying to divide America. Instead, what we need to do as a party is determine how to fine tune the fine progress this administration has made. This isn’t some brilliant revelation on the part of any one of us, but is instead a central fact of American polity today. Speaking only for myself I can tell you that the personal scandals I would have brought to fore would have made Bill Clinton look like an English schoolboy in knickers.”

Next to take the stage was Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who said that the revelations in the liberal press about his backwardness would “destroy the kind of tinker toy presidency that I would have. Unlike the last neo-con candidate, George W. Bush, I’m actually smart and could have made a good run of it, but at the end of the day folks would have discovered my underlying prejudices and extreme views.”

Next up to the podium was John McCain, who lost to Gore in 2004. McCain merely shrugged and, with his typical honesty, said, “I just pretty much suck as a presidential candidate. But I’m a pretty good guy. I get a little pissed off sometimes though, and my advisers kept playing tapes of Howard Dean and said, ‘this is you, pal, on a good day.’ So yeah, I’m calling it quits.”

Mitt Romney appeared next. Romney, who is calling for an invasion of Iran even though Iran and the U.S. are in a period of sustained détente, lamented the apparent re-direction of the American military service’s mission during the Gore Years, but said there was little hope of changing it.

“In recent years, we’ve gone from a military machine capable of quickly evaporating any foe to a world-wide army corps of engineers. Today we have engineering brigades in countless countries, with the supposed intention of helping countries escape poverty and the results of armed conflict. While doing this, however, we have ignored the fact that we could be attacked at any time by any number of enemies. I will devote the rest of my career to identifying these enemies through a new blog I will be writing called, ‘Meet Mitt’s Enemies.’ I think my supporters will enjoy it.”

Fred Thompson was also at the event, and declined to say whether he would run, although he provided some hints when he said, “Well, people know me as Jack’s boss, and some people who vote at the last minute are so stupid that they won’t know if I’m Jack Bauer’s boss, or Jack’s boss from Law and Order, so I guess things are looking up for old Fred right now. Gotta work on my hair, though.”

The other candidates never get any mention in the press, and had nothing at all interesting to say, so we’ll join the mainstream press and dutifully ignore them.

Bush Calls for Air Strikes Against Russia in Retaliation for Georgian Missile Attack August 8, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, arms control, Bush, George W. Bush, Georgia, Gore, missiles, News and politics, President Gore, Russia.
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Former Presidential Candidate George W. Bush today called for air strikes against Russia for what he called “its unpardonable missile attack against Georgia.”

Bush, who was defeated by President Al Gore in a close and controversial election in 2000, speaking from the Betty Ford Center, where he is completing an extensive stay, said, “The great state of Georgia should be answered for. I have many friends in many parts of Georgia, including Atlanta, and of course Savannah, a fine town, and I’m sure they must all be very upset about the Russian attack. I don’t know what could have provoked the Russians to attack our homeland, but it is vital that this appeasement president respond in kind. I therefore call on President Gore to immediately launch a strike against the Soviets.”

There has been no official response from the White House yet on Bush’s remarks. President Gore is in Havana, Cuba, on a visit with Raul Castro.

Gore Commerorates New Bay Bridge, Lauds Federal Bridges Program August 3, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, bridges, Environment, Environmentalism, Gore, News and politics, President Gore.
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President Gore today commemorated the new Eastern span of the Bay Bridge connecting Oakland and San Francisco, California today. In his speech before Bay Area civic leaders and construction workers, he pointed to the four-year old Federal Bridges Program (FBP) that has received most of its funding from the graduated gasoline taxes that went into effect in mid 2002.

East Span of the Bay BridgeThe bridge actually received little funding from the FBP, in fact. The multi-billion structure was instead mostly funded from California state coffers. But Gore pointed out that the bridge’s completion was accelerated in large part from a boost from the FBP, and lauded the significance the FBP has had on bridge infrastructure in the United States, which had been deteriorating for years before the program came into being.

“The American people can take pride in the fact that their sacrifices are paying off,” said Gore in the speech. “Initial studies indicated that, before the FBP was enacted one quarter of American bridges were unsafe. We’ve made significant inroads into that figure already, with more than 100 major bridges having already undergone significant safety and infrastructure improvements.”

One of the results, of course, of the bridge program, has been higher gasoline prices, which have crept up to their current high of $3.50 per gallon, despite a fairly stable period of crude oil prices, which are currently at around $26 per barrel. Gore wasn’t shy about pointing to the connections. “Now, Americans have had to sacrifice in order to help pay for these improvements, but I think most would argue that it’s important to protect our families and remember that when we’re packing that car up and filling up the tank, we’re not only helping to assure a safe trip, but we’re continuing to improve our environment and help lead our nation towards alternative fuels. Already, hydrogen-powered vehicles are making their way into the mainstream. I see a very bright future ahead of us, thanks to the determination and ingenuity of the American people.”

Here is a list of some of the bridges that have been or are currently being repaired through the FBP:

State Bridge Repaired
Highways and/or crossings City: Avg. # of vehicles/day
Ala. I-65 U.S. 11, railroad Birmingham 148,800
Calif. I-880 Fifth Avenue, railroads Oakland 240,000
Calif. State Route 710 Los Angeles River Los Angeles 235,440
Colo. I-70 U.S. 6, railroad, city street Denver 136,744
Colo. I-25 South Platte River, railroad Denver 208,353
Colo. U.S. 6 Bryant Street Denver 148,339
Conn.-N.Y. I-95 Byram River, South Water Street Byram 127,200
Conn. I-95 Cherry Street and Bostwick Avenue Bridgeport 130,100
Conn. I-95 West River and SR 745 New Haven 135,200
Mass. I-95 and SR 128 Charles River Newton 160,000
Md.-Va. I-95 and I-495 Potomac River Washington, DC 172,975
Minn. I-35E Cayuga Street St. Paul 148,000
Minn. I-35E Railroad St. Paul 148,000
Minn. I-35E Pennsylvania Avenue St. Paul 144,000
Minn. I-35W Mississippi River, railroad Minneapolis 141,000
Mo. I-64E MetroLink light rail line St. Louis 135,892
Mo. I-64E Brentwood Boulevard St. Louis 158,620
Mo. I-64E Laclede Station Road St. Louis 142,196
Mo. I-64E Clayton Terrace St. Louis 142,196
Mo. I-64E McCausland Avenue St. Louis 139,458
N.J. Route 3 Passaic River, Route 21 Rutherford 144,200
N.J. Garden State Parkway Raritan River, Smith Street Perth Amboy 208,000
N.Y. I-678 I-495 New York 137,852
N.Y. I-87 Hudson River, River Road South Nyack 133,933
Pa. I-95 Palmer and Cumberland streets Philadelphia 173,662
Pa. I-95 Sergeant and Huntington streets Philadelphia 173,662
Pa. I-95 Tacony and Bridge streets Philadelphia 166,407
Pa. I-95 Comly Street Philadelphia 166,407
Pa. I-95 Magee Avenue Philadelphia 166,407
Pa. I-95 Longshore Avenue Philadelphia 166,407
Pa. I-95 Ramp Philadelphia 163,884
Pa. I-95 Ramp Philadelphia 161,310
Pa. I-95 State Road, railroad Philadelphia 161,310
Pa. I-95 Pennypack Creek Philadelphia 161,310
R.I. I-195 Chestnut Street, SR 12 Providence 161,153
Va. I-95 Lombardy Street, railroad Richmond 144,772

Obama Says He’ll Nuke China If It Helps Him Get Elected August 1, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Al Queda, Barack Obama, Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, Iowa Caucus, Obama, Politics, President Gore, Terrorism.

Senator Barack Obama today said he’d nuke China if it would help him get elected. The hawkish statement was said in the aftermath of polls showing he has lost ground to Vice President Hillary Clinton after the recent YouTube debate that many pundits claimed demonstrated Clinton’s experience over Obama.

“If we have actionable intelligence suggesting that, say, China was prepared to launch a strike against Tawain, then, not only would I have to reconsider my former position vis a vis talking to hostile leadership, I would have to seriously consider the possibility of an all out nuclear strike,” Obama wrote in a long email to The Gore Years. “The American public should get what it wants, and any consequences derived from those desires should be born fully by the electorate.”

“Imagine,” the email continued, “a world in which George Bush had won the election instead of Al Gore. Many of the foreign policy heavyweights Bush was considering bringing into his administration, people like Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumsfeld, were advocating an invasion of Iraq, which of course would have been disastrous. I, and almost all the military and intelligence experts I’ve talked to, have felt that such an action would have resulted in possibly a decades-long quagmire. But if, following such a disastrous policy, the American people would have re-elected a President responsible for enacting that policy, then the American people would themselves be culpable. Luckily, of course, that is not the path we went down.”

“However,” he continued in apparent reference to the recent dip in the polls, “the American people appear to be engaged in a bit of pro-war sentimental fancy, and I’m willing to accommodate that.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice Sotomayor Has Seizure August 1, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Politics, President Gore, Supreme Court.
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Supreme Court Chief Justice Sonia Sotomayor had an apparent seizure while watching the Giants/Dodgers game on television, sources say. Sotomayor, who before being named Chief Justice was most well known for issuing a preliminary injunction against Major League Baseball that prevented a new Collective Bargaining Agreement and and the use of replacement players, thus ending the 1994 baseball strike, was apparently over anxious about the possibility of Barry Bonds tying Hank Aaron’s home run record.

Sources say she is recovering nicely in her New York home, and doctors expect no long term effects.