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Cheney’s Heart Examined (again) November 27, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Gore Years, News and politics.
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Doctors made a stunning discovery while administering an electrical shock to former Vice Presidential candidate Dick Cheney’s heart during a 2 1/2 hour hospital visit Monday.

Although the procedure was described as a low-risk, standard practice, Cheney, 66, was discovered by George Washington University Hospital doctors as having a heart about 1/10th the size of normal, and full of mysterious anatomical anomalies.

Dick Cheney's heartCheney, who has a history of heart problems, was discovered to have an irregular heartbeat around 7 a.m. when he was seen by doctors at an NRA round robin animal hunt. He remained in the field throughout the day, joining MLB baseball commissioner George W. Bush in a round of squirrel shooting.

The irregular heartbeat was determined to be the result of atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart, said spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. But it was later found Cheney had a bizarre and previously unknown physical condition that followed patterns resembling those within the human brain, according to doctors.

“Atrial fibrillation is extremely common,” said Dr. Zayd Eldadah, an electrophysiologist and director of cardiac arrhythmia research at Washington Hospital Center. “But what we found was not common, and will require further study. Apparently, Mr. Cheney takes in information via the brain somehow, and emits gunfire from what we are now referring to as Primary and Secondary Output aortal tubes. We think this may explain some of his violent tendencies.” Cheney has long been a thorn in the Gore Administration’s side, and has often called for the invasion of several countries.

Eldadah said Cheney’s underlying heart problems were probably a factor in his atrial fibrillation. Aging is a common factor, too.

“He’ll probably have other episodes,” said Eldadah, who is not involved in Cheney’s care. “Atrial fibrillation in and of itself is not threatening. The problem is the strange gunpowder coming out of what we used to call the Superior vena cava and the left pulminary arteries. In Mr. Cheney’s case, they appear to be more like mortars, such as what you might find on a battlefield. As best as we have been able to determine so far, information comes in to his heart (see graphic), and ballistics go out.”

About 2.8 million Americans have atrial fibrillation, the most common type of irregular heartbeat, and cases are increasing as the population ages. But to date, no one is known to have grown any kind of artillery-related matter within the complex heart structure.

In 2005, Cheney had six hours of surgery on his legs to repair a kind of aneurysm, a ballooning weak spot in an artery that can burst if left untreated. In March, doctors discovered that he had a deep venous thrombosis in his left lower leg. After an ultrasound in late April, doctors said the clot was slowly getting smaller.

“It could be that all of that is related to the gunpowder in his heart,” said Eldadah.

U.S. to Outsource All Government Functions to Indian Company August 21, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, blogosphere, Drudge Report, Goa, Gore, Gore Years, outsource, outsourcing.
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In a dramatic move to cut government expenditures, The Drudge Report is reporting that the The Gore Administration will soon outsource all non-military government operations to an Indian company called “OutDamnedSpot,” pending congressional approval.

Details are sketchy, so far, but insiders are leaking some concepts to bloggers. “We’ve identified a major urban area in India,” said one inside source quoted by the Drudge Report. “The plan is to clear any cities out, and move in contractors specializing in government processes and bureaucracy. It’s a win-win for the U.S. Government, because, according to the contract, if we’re not happy with their performance we can pull out of the contract, no questions asked.”

The blogosphere is ripe with rumors that the operations will be based in the Indian state of Goa, and that, if necessary, the contractor will build a new coastal city to accommodate the new contract. Some rumors are also suggesting that the contractor will require all employees to work at least 23.5 hours per day through a written agreement.

No comment yet from anyone in the Gore Administration.

All Republican Presidential Candidates Officially Withdraw After Iowa Straw Poll August 14, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Fred Thomson, Gore, Gore Years, John McCain, Mitt Romney, News and politics, President Gore, republican primary, Ron Paul, satire.

In a stunning and historically unprecedented move, all 8 Republicans in the Republican primary race announced their withdrawal from the Presidential race in a joint press conference in Des Moines, Iowa today.

The decision was made by the candidates after they met in a hotel in Des Moines and decided that they needed a unified reaction to the fact that only five Iowans voted in this year’s Iowa Straw Poll, all for Representative and blog world superstar Ron Paul, who admitted today during the press conference that his libertarian roots ran contrary to the opinion of nearly 98% of Americans.

Quick question. Is he Jack Bauer's boss? Or some other Jack?

The press conference was led by Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York, who said, “America, under Al Gore, has entered a golden age, and as the opposition party we need to refocus our agenda and stop trying to divide America. Instead, what we need to do as a party is determine how to fine tune the fine progress this administration has made. This isn’t some brilliant revelation on the part of any one of us, but is instead a central fact of American polity today. Speaking only for myself I can tell you that the personal scandals I would have brought to fore would have made Bill Clinton look like an English schoolboy in knickers.”

Next to take the stage was Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who said that the revelations in the liberal press about his backwardness would “destroy the kind of tinker toy presidency that I would have. Unlike the last neo-con candidate, George W. Bush, I’m actually smart and could have made a good run of it, but at the end of the day folks would have discovered my underlying prejudices and extreme views.”

Next up to the podium was John McCain, who lost to Gore in 2004. McCain merely shrugged and, with his typical honesty, said, “I just pretty much suck as a presidential candidate. But I’m a pretty good guy. I get a little pissed off sometimes though, and my advisers kept playing tapes of Howard Dean and said, ‘this is you, pal, on a good day.’ So yeah, I’m calling it quits.”

Mitt Romney appeared next. Romney, who is calling for an invasion of Iran even though Iran and the U.S. are in a period of sustained d├ętente, lamented the apparent re-direction of the American military service’s mission during the Gore Years, but said there was little hope of changing it.

“In recent years, we’ve gone from a military machine capable of quickly evaporating any foe to a world-wide army corps of engineers. Today we have engineering brigades in countless countries, with the supposed intention of helping countries escape poverty and the results of armed conflict. While doing this, however, we have ignored the fact that we could be attacked at any time by any number of enemies. I will devote the rest of my career to identifying these enemies through a new blog I will be writing called, ‘Meet Mitt’s Enemies.’ I think my supporters will enjoy it.”

Fred Thompson was also at the event, and declined to say whether he would run, although he provided some hints when he said, “Well, people know me as Jack’s boss, and some people who vote at the last minute are so stupid that they won’t know if I’m Jack Bauer’s boss, or Jack’s boss from Law and Order, so I guess things are looking up for old Fred right now. Gotta work on my hair, though.”

The other candidates never get any mention in the press, and had nothing at all interesting to say, so we’ll join the mainstream press and dutifully ignore them.