jump to navigation

George W. Bush Named New Baseball Commissioner August 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Barry Bonds, baseball, baseball commish, baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, Budd Selig, Selig, steroids.
7 comments

Former Presidential candidate George W. Bush today was named Commissioner of Baseball after Bud Selig, the current commissioner, was indicted by the Justice Department for, according to U.S. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, “fostering an environment conducive to extreme levels of drug use in the Major Leagues.”

Bush, who recently left the Betty Ford Clinic, where he spent several years as a resident battling alcohol problems, and where TV is not allowed for patients considered to be the most extreme, immediately declared a “moratorium on drugs in baseball.”

“Where there are drugs,” Bush said, in accepting the job during a ceremony in Cooperstown, PA, “we will find them. And if they’re not there, we’ll find them. Because everyone knows they’re there, and it’s our job to find them.”

Bush also announced that there would be some revolutionary changes made to keep baseball a part of America’s pasttime.

“It’s evident that most Americans don’t watch games between the end of the third and the seventh inning, so we’ll just delete those innings, because the evidence also shows that most Americans have stopped watching baseball,” he said.

Bush was in the Betty Ford Center during the Sosa/McGuire home run chase and may have missed the huge increase in fan base that happened with that.

So we at the Gore Years sent an email to his secretary, Harriet Myers. Did he miss the fun? we asked.

“No,” came her reply, “Georgey was aware of the blip. But it was just a blip. Blips are not trends. We’re familiar with trends. We help them along when needed, and if not needed, we help them expire. But the middle innings, and this is proven, are not necessary.”

She also said that although some baseball fans may object to losing the middle innings, “They’re not our core constituency. They’re asleep anyway. You don’t need consensus for things like this. In fact, Georgey says we don’t need consensus for anything, and who am I to argue?”

Asked by various members of the press to react to the hiring of a former substance abuser to be the new baseball commissioner, Cuomo’s office released a press statement saying, “Most everyone is capable of rehabilitation, and it would not be appropriate for a branch of government to make moral judgments on these things.”