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Baseball Commish: Baseball Has No Steroids Problem December 15, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in baseball, baseball commish, baseball commissioner, News and politics, steroids.
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Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush today defended Major League Baseball in the wake of the Mitchell report on steroids and declared to a packed press conference, “Baseball is healthier today than it has ever been. We’ve got record attendance figures. We’ve got a strong history, a solid history. It’s a great history.”

Asked by reporters if any action would be taken against any of the players named by the investigation, Bush said, “We’re staying the course on this one. We’ve got a proud history and we’ll remain so.” When pressed on the issue, Bush did admit there may be a few scattered problems with steroid use, but that, “all in all it’s a balanced game, a good game. I’ve had some of these players when I owned the Rangers and they were fine young men. José Canseco, Juan Gonzalez, and they didn’t get to where they got by doing steroids, they got there by playing baseball.”

Asked if he would want children to use Canseco as a role model, Bush replied, “Well, it depends on what he was modeling, heh heh, but sure? Why not? His role as a snitch was huge. A big thing for baseball. Sometimes you need to snitch. So, you know, if a young boy asks you, you just sit him down and say, ‘young fella, sometimes you just gotta snitch if you want to be … what’s that word the kids like? Über successful. José, now, I saw him, he played for me. And he was successful. But he became über successful when he sold those books. See, you don’t have to do just one thing in life to be successful. You can expand. So that’s a good thing to teach kids. Expand your horizons. Grasp at what’s not yours. That kind of thing is role modeling. Good role modeling. Everyone can agree with that.”

Bush was named baseball commissioner in late August, and immediately generated controversy by proposing that baseball games be reduced from 9 innings to 3 innings, “because that’s about all anybody really watches of a game.” He quickly backtracked from the proposal after admitting that he came up with the idea during his first few days in the Betty Ford Clinic.

Picture URL: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/archive/bush_stupid.jpg

George W. Bush Named New Baseball Commissioner August 31, 2007

Posted by chuckwh in Barry Bonds, baseball, baseball commish, baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, Budd Selig, Selig, steroids.

Former Presidential candidate George W. Bush today was named Commissioner of Baseball after Bud Selig, the current commissioner, was indicted by the Justice Department for, according to U.S. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, “fostering an environment conducive to extreme levels of drug use in the Major Leagues.”

Bush, who recently left the Betty Ford Clinic, where he spent several years as a resident battling alcohol problems, and where TV is not allowed for patients considered to be the most extreme, immediately declared a “moratorium on drugs in baseball.”

“Where there are drugs,” Bush said, in accepting the job during a ceremony in Cooperstown, PA, “we will find them. And if they’re not there, we’ll find them. Because everyone knows they’re there, and it’s our job to find them.”

Bush also announced that there would be some revolutionary changes made to keep baseball a part of America’s pasttime.

“It’s evident that most Americans don’t watch games between the end of the third and the seventh inning, so we’ll just delete those innings, because the evidence also shows that most Americans have stopped watching baseball,” he said.

Bush was in the Betty Ford Center during the Sosa/McGuire home run chase and may have missed the huge increase in fan base that happened with that.

So we at the Gore Years sent an email to his secretary, Harriet Myers. Did he miss the fun? we asked.

“No,” came her reply, “Georgey was aware of the blip. But it was just a blip. Blips are not trends. We’re familiar with trends. We help them along when needed, and if not needed, we help them expire. But the middle innings, and this is proven, are not necessary.”

She also said that although some baseball fans may object to losing the middle innings, “They’re not our core constituency. They’re asleep anyway. You don’t need consensus for things like this. In fact, Georgey says we don’t need consensus for anything, and who am I to argue?”

Asked by various members of the press to react to the hiring of a former substance abuser to be the new baseball commissioner, Cuomo’s office released a press statement saying, “Most everyone is capable of rehabilitation, and it would not be appropriate for a branch of government to make moral judgments on these things.”