All Republican Presidential Candidates Officially Withdraw After Iowa Straw Poll August 14, 2007Posted by chuckwh in Al Gore, Fred Thomson, Gore, Gore Years, John McCain, Mitt Romney, News and politics, President Gore, republican primary, Ron Paul, satire.
In a stunning and historically unprecedented move, all 8 Republicans in the Republican primary race announced their withdrawal from the Presidential race in a joint press conference in Des Moines, Iowa today.
The decision was made by the candidates after they met in a hotel in Des Moines and decided that they needed a unified reaction to the fact that only five Iowans voted in this year’s Iowa Straw Poll, all for Representative and blog world superstar Ron Paul, who admitted today during the press conference that his libertarian roots ran contrary to the opinion of nearly 98% of Americans.
The press conference was led by Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York, who said, “America, under Al Gore, has entered a golden age, and as the opposition party we need to refocus our agenda and stop trying to divide America. Instead, what we need to do as a party is determine how to fine tune the fine progress this administration has made. This isn’t some brilliant revelation on the part of any one of us, but is instead a central fact of American polity today. Speaking only for myself I can tell you that the personal scandals I would have brought to fore would have made Bill Clinton look like an English schoolboy in knickers.”
Next to take the stage was Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who said that the revelations in the liberal press about his backwardness would “destroy the kind of tinker toy presidency that I would have. Unlike the last neo-con candidate, George W. Bush, I’m actually smart and could have made a good run of it, but at the end of the day folks would have discovered my underlying prejudices and extreme views.”
Next up to the podium was John McCain, who lost to Gore in 2004. McCain merely shrugged and, with his typical honesty, said, “I just pretty much suck as a presidential candidate. But I’m a pretty good guy. I get a little pissed off sometimes though, and my advisers kept playing tapes of Howard Dean and said, ‘this is you, pal, on a good day.’ So yeah, I’m calling it quits.”
Mitt Romney appeared next. Romney, who is calling for an invasion of Iran even though Iran and the U.S. are in a period of sustained détente, lamented the apparent re-direction of the American military service’s mission during the Gore Years, but said there was little hope of changing it.
“In recent years, we’ve gone from a military machine capable of quickly evaporating any foe to a world-wide army corps of engineers. Today we have engineering brigades in countless countries, with the supposed intention of helping countries escape poverty and the results of armed conflict. While doing this, however, we have ignored the fact that we could be attacked at any time by any number of enemies. I will devote the rest of my career to identifying these enemies through a new blog I will be writing called, ‘Meet Mitt’s Enemies.’ I think my supporters will enjoy it.”
Fred Thompson was also at the event, and declined to say whether he would run, although he provided some hints when he said, “Well, people know me as Jack’s boss, and some people who vote at the last minute are so stupid that they won’t know if I’m Jack Bauer’s boss, or Jack’s boss from Law and Order, so I guess things are looking up for old Fred right now. Gotta work on my hair, though.”
The other candidates never get any mention in the press, and had nothing at all interesting to say, so we’ll join the mainstream press and dutifully ignore them.