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An Interview with former Presidential Candidate George W. Bush, Part 2 September 23, 2006

Posted by chuckwh in News and politics.

GY: Can you expand on your notions a bit about Chavez? He seems to be a controversial figure in America.

W: Well, as I said, Valenzualans as a whole are decent, hard working people. But Hugo is not, I’m not sure how to phrase it, your typical Valenzualan. In fact, he’s probably played almost no baseball. I’m actually shocked to think that he was elected by such baseball-loving people, having never played it. I mean, not me, I’ve played it. Well, not really. But I did own a baseball team once.

GY: Did you ever own any Venezualans?

W: No, John, a great Republican made that illegal some time ago. But I can say that I know deep in my heart that if I did, they’d be treated fairly, and that they would certainly understand the importance of freedom in America, and how all Americans truly treasure freedom, in all its forms.

GY: The Prescott Bush Foundation recently purchased the Guantanamo Bay military facility from the U.S. Government as part of the government’s plan to retire some military facilities. What is the Foundation’s plan for this facility?

W: Well, John, as you know, Al Gore is an appeasement president. He appeases. Therefore, we’ve decided, Laura, Dad, and I, and Dad is a great supporter in this, and, of course, our close confidant. Anyway, we, Laura, Dad, and some others, such as James Baker, who is against appeasement, against appeasing anyone, well, we’ve decided this would provide us a great opportunity to demonstrate the value of privately financed prisons.

GY: Fascinating.

W: Well, it was actually Dick Rumsfeld’s idea. He’s a soldier, a believer in the value of freedom.

GY: You mean Donald Rumsfeld, the CEO of General Instrument who was recently indicted on insider trading charges?

W: (chuckles) Well, Laura affectionately calls him The Donald. I just call him Rummy. Me and Rummy, we go way back. But yes. Sometimes I call him Dick, too, but usually just to get his dander up (chuckles twice).

GY: So the plans for Guantanamo. It sounds interesting.

W: Well, as we envision it, Rummy and I and some others, we see it as a cornerstone of the private sector’s battle against terrorism. Not all of us are fond of John McCain’s nickname for Gore, you know, the one he gave him after the invasion of Afghanistan.

GY: General Gore. McCain still refers to Gore that way.

W: That’s right. Well, there is a broad sector of disagreement with that, a great swath of visible, you know, discomfort, a wide girth, a great divide, actually, is happening with this, and it’s a schism, a real schism.

GY: In what way?

W: Well America can’t react to an attack on her territory by giving money to her attackers, can it? That’s fuzzy math, John, fuzzy logic. Let’s take a more down home scenario. I’m a Texan, you know, and I know about down home stuff. So imagine, if you will, somebody steals something from your store. So, in reaction to that, do you give them money? Will that solve the problem? They’ll steal again, because bad people are just not good people and they do bad things, and they steal. All the time. You can’t stop someone from stealing from you, John, by paying them off. They’ll just take your money and steal from you again. That’s what the bad guys do.

GY: Back to Guantanamo. What are your plans for this facility?

W: Well, it will be an island, John. An island against this invisible evil that is now taking over our country. An island against appeasement, against reproachment, against everything reproachable. But I’m sure you want particulars, and I’m going to give them to you. We are going to use Guantanamo as a place where patriotic Americans can send people to. As you know, every American felt the pain of 9-11, and this will be their chance to send people who they know are soldiers for the other side, this will be their chance to send those people to a place that Americans can trust as a true detention center.

GY: How will this work? Will it involve kidnapping suspects?

W: No, no, certainly it does not involve kidnapping. No, apprehending would be a better word. We’ll encourage Americans to apprehend suspects, and we’ll send those suspects to Guantanamo. They’ll be treated as fairly there as the victims of 9-11 were, if not better.

GY: Wow, so this is sort of a scoop. This blog has had, like in its best day, 88 page views. This is gonna sure change that.

W: Well, you are probably right about that. I know how to make headlines, dude.

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